Smoke and Mirrors

I just smoked my very last cigarette. 

This has been a long, long time coming... and the decision to quit came about Monday evening. I was chatting with a friend that night about my need to quit. I felt that the day was coming when I would wake up and just say "Fuck it" and quit cold turkey. Well, Tuesday morning, I awoke with that desire and made the decision to stop. I got myself ready for work, snapped a selfie in a moment of feeling strong, left my last remaining cigarettes at home, and headed out the door. 

The day went great. 

I had more energy, felt good about myself, was pleasant to be around, and felt positive about this new change. 

Then I got home, and smoked a cigarette. 

Then another... 

Then just one more. 

Okay, so day 1- only 3 cigarettes. Not bad, considering I had been smoking nearly, if not entirely, a pack a day. However, that was not what I had set out to do. That last pack had 13 cigarettes in it, now just 10... so I thought, "I'll just slowly smoke the rest of that pack, then never buy another pack again." 

I was already setting myself up for failure. 

Day 2- 3 cigarettes again. 7 left. 

Day 3- 2 cigarettes. 5 remaining.

I awoke this morning, Day 4, feeling different... Why was I still allowing this... this thing to continue to hold power over me?? Why couldn't I just LET GO?! 

I laid the last five cigarettes out on the kitchen table and began pacing... 

Back and forth, back and forth... 

I became angry. Angry at this powerful little substance. Angry at the years I had wasted on this "relationship". Angry at myself... how could I spend so many years hurting myself this way? Ruining my one good body, and for what?! The "satisfaction" of the smoke? 

NO. 

I was done. I became emotional. I started walking over to the table, and one by one, tore apart each cigarette and threw it away. The tears streamed down my face, each drop a world of anger and guilt falling to the floor. 

1... 2... 3... 4... 

Now just one remained. 

I stared at it for a long time. I wanted it... that sweet, sexy temptress... that one last smoke. I guess I wanted to say goodbye in a way. Like ending a relationship you knew was damaged from the start, but needing that one last kiss. Craving it... 

I wish I could say that I didn't smoke that last cigarette. But we all know that's not true.

So I sat in that familiar place, caressing those smooth contours with my fingertips for the last time... I didn't even really think about it, I just lit it. And there I was, "enjoying" that last sweet smoke. However, there was nothing about it to enjoy. The love was lost. The hold was gone. And with that last drag, I let go. It was done. No more. 

I know it won't be easy. I would be fooling myself to think I won't get intense cravings or become irritable or anything else that comes with the withdrawals of fighting addiction. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel free. Free from the chains of smoke that have held me down for 13 years. Free from the prison of need. Control is mine again. My life is MINE again. I have lived as slave to this monster for too many years, but I have finally found my strength and walked away. I had claimed Tuesday to be Day 1, but really, this is Day 1. This is the day that matters. This is my goodbye... and my welcome to a better life. A better me. Because I deserve better. We all do. It is one of our downfalls to allow things to take control, maybe because sometimes it's easier than having control... but 

WE. DESERVE. BETTER. 

We deserve to live the best life we can because this is it, folks! This is the one and only shot we have to create our own reality and make the most of every moment. Every second that passes is an opportunity lost, UNLESS we take control of said moment. The years have been slipping by faster and faster, and I for one am not just going to sit idly by and watch them fade away. This moment is mine, but this moment has already passed. So I'm on to the next... this time, with a little more clarity, a lot more strength, and fresh, clean air in my lungs. 

Suddenly, I can breathe again... 

And the air has never smelled sweeter.