Sole Solution

It's hard to know where to start... 
There's a lot going on in this girl's life! But writing is inevitable and necessary today... so let's begin with my most current situation. 

I is brokens. Sad face.

It began a few days ago, and progressively got worse. My ankle was killing me! My right ankle, which I twisted a couple of years ago, began to ache something fierce by Friday. I say 'by Friday' because I had noticed some vague soreness in the days before. By Friday evening, I was limping around one of my stores. Something was wrong. 

Long story short, ain't nobody got time for that!, using my left ankle for support gradually affected said ankle. Great. Now both ankles are hurting?? By Saturday, I could only stand in one place at work, and the mere pressure from standing all day had me in dire pain by the end of Saturday. Today, Sunday, I am bed-ridden and stressed. What in the heck is going on?!

I see the doctor tomorrow and already know what some of the problem is... [bad shoes, bad mats at work, running around work all the time, and oh, I don't know- 14-16 HOUR DAYS...] but I am, naturally, a bit nervous about my visit. I just hope it's something manageable and not a long-term issue. *sigh* 29-year old woman in a body much too old for her. And being bed-ridden?? I am ANTSY!!! I have too much energy and life inside of me to be stuck to a bed all day! Sooo... I write. You're welcome ;)

This whole situation has me thinking... I felt so guilty calling into work last night. I hated feeling like I was letting people down. I felt useless, disappointing, I felt... pathetic. Capital P Pathetic!! I have never called in to this job, and being in control of so much has caused me to feel a responsibility to my job and the staff within. These people depend on me... and I work hard. Fuckin'-a, I work hard!!! 

But here are some facts: 
I put on a brave face yesterday, staying put at the register all day, but doing my best to accommodate the need for painful walks to keep the ever-busy day running smoothly.

I was incredibly grateful for the help of my co-worker, Laura, who ran circles around me to ensure I moved as little as possible. She is the SOLE reason I made it through the day. (See what I did there??)

I only made it about 5 hours straight, standing and ringing, until I had to call my boss for a stool. For some relief... anything. 

I was aching and faking the whole day through...

I left work as soon as possible, and having returned home, still laughing and smiling, I walked into my room and exclaimed at the sight of my bed. 

And as I fell into its comfort... 
I landed in a pile of tears. 

I lost it. 

I had held on all day through pain I shouldn't have ignored. 
I had pushed the boundaries of my tireless body to the point of exhaustion and severe pain. 

I was drained. 
I was wasted and wearied. 
My white flag was raised, and as I sank into a sea of emotions, I became aware. 

Aware of the very important, very distressing fact that I was ignoring my own needs. Why do I feel so guilty about taking care of myself? Why do I find it so hard to be selfish? I constantly preach about the need to be selfish in certain situations, and your physical (and mental AND emotional) health is definitely one of them! And for the first time in a long time, I recognized a personal need and took the necessary steps. I called into work today and tomorrow, set up a doctor's appointment, and am staying OFF this, scratch that, THESE damn ankles!!! It's time to start taking care of myself again. In so many ways. 

I recently wrote of needing a change. I genuinely and whole-heartedly believe that my body is urging me to make one. Or two. Or.... lots. Hey! It's my life, right?! And only I get to live it. Only I live with the decisions I make. It's time to make the right ones. The ones for me. For my own benefit. For my life. 

For only I walk in these shoes... 
and it's time to go shopping!