No Day But Today

The rain has cleared, as has my head. 

What am I doing?!

I have been so caught up envisioning my life, that I haven't actually enacted anything. While I definitely needed a break from the time-consuming life I was leading, I feel I have gotten that, and it's time to finally make these dreams a reality. Sitting around in la-la land is a habit I unfortunately possess. Yes, I have needed time to grieve, to think, to feel, to just be, really... but I am almost 3 weeks into this separation from said busy life, and I'm feeling the pressure to get up and go again. I suppose, what I'm saying, is it's time to be an adult... again. 

Ugh. 

In an attempt to give myself a wee bit more credit, I haven't just done nothing. Not completely, anyways. I've made a plan. I've made a budget. I have figured out a way to schedule work around life, in order to better pursue my deepest passions. I've searched for jobs. I've researched ways to get involved in my community, and have already contacted a wonderful organization that feeds/clothes the homeless. I've played my guitar. I've written. I've experienced. I've spent time with family and friends. I've lived. Yet... I feel... lazy. I'm bored. And I've done little to remedy said feeling. 

SO! Today, I'm getting back to it. What 'it' is, is up to me. I like that... aaand I don't. It was easier to have to go into work. To have a schedule made for me (well, I made the schedule, being the manager, but you know what I mean!). I knew this, though, going into this new life. I knew the path I was on was the easier one. I knew this would be difficult. I knew I would struggle... but struggle no more, will I! It is a beautiful, brand new day, full of possibilities!! And I aim to take full advantage of those wonderful, endless possibilities. 

Waking up this morning, I immediately put on RENT. One of my favorites =) I laughed, I cried, I sang... a LOT. I love this movie for so many reasons, but what really stuck with me was that one line: No Day But Today. Today is the only now we have. Yesterday and tomorrow mean nothing without today. The only moment we have is NOW! Right now. This second. This moment. So often, we take for granted that moment. The present. The now. I never realized how much I, too, was taking each moment for granted, until I realized how quickly the last few weeks have passed. Suddenly, I'm feeling anxious and aware. I have always known I was meant for more. Having taken that first leap of faith, I'm midair and falling fast. Each second is another opportunity missed. NO MORE. Not on my watch. I refuse to live a wasted life. I refuse to settle for less. I refuse to watch the world turn as I dizzily hang on. I'm moving with the tide now, surfing an endless wave of opportunity. 

Let's just hope I don't get seasick.

Made To Be Broken

I'm feeling... weird. 
Silly. 
Foolish. 

I have had many ups and downs this year, and sadly, the downs have been quite traumatic for me. I have tried to handle everything to the best of my abilities, but I don't always have the right answers, or make the right moves. I certainly don't always follow the "rules". 

Who the hell made these rules?!

Rules for ourselves; rules for relationships; rules for society; rules for beliefs; rules for life... the more I write the word 'rules', the less it looks like a real word! 

So let's say screw the rules! 

So often, I hear people talk about how we're "supposed" to act, or "supposed" to feel. "Oh, you're not supposed to do that! Aren't you embarrassed?? What will people think? People don't do that... That's weird. That's not normal." Blah, blah, blah...

Since when did anyone else dictate my life other than myself? 
And what the heck is normal anyways??

I can be a lot of things: emotional, passionate, analytical, thoughtful, impatient, easygoing, creative, self-destructive, stubborn, strong... but "normal" has never been a word with which I have associated. I'm just me; and honestly, if you don't like that, bugger off. I have more important things to worry about. 

Where is all of this coming from, Shaneil?!

I don't know. I guess I've been hearing about these "rules" a lot lately, and it has me overthinking everything. And that bothers me. I am embarking on a whole new journey in life, and all I really want is to be happy. Today, for one insignificant reason or another, I'm not happy. I feel confused. I feel alone. Lonely... like no one really gets me. I suppose we all feel this way throughout our lives. I know I'll snap out of it, and I know I'll be fine. MORE than fine. I'm a fighter; a survivor. These insecure feelings will once again be vanquished. I will find my inner strength and keep fighting the good battle. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this.

Rules are made to be broken. 
I, however, am NOT.

Sole Solution

It's hard to know where to start... 
There's a lot going on in this girl's life! But writing is inevitable and necessary today... so let's begin with my most current situation. 

I is brokens. Sad face.

It began a few days ago, and progressively got worse. My ankle was killing me! My right ankle, which I twisted a couple of years ago, began to ache something fierce by Friday. I say 'by Friday' because I had noticed some vague soreness in the days before. By Friday evening, I was limping around one of my stores. Something was wrong. 

Long story short, ain't nobody got time for that!, using my left ankle for support gradually affected said ankle. Great. Now both ankles are hurting?? By Saturday, I could only stand in one place at work, and the mere pressure from standing all day had me in dire pain by the end of Saturday. Today, Sunday, I am bed-ridden and stressed. What in the heck is going on?!

I see the doctor tomorrow and already know what some of the problem is... [bad shoes, bad mats at work, running around work all the time, and oh, I don't know- 14-16 HOUR DAYS...] but I am, naturally, a bit nervous about my visit. I just hope it's something manageable and not a long-term issue. *sigh* 29-year old woman in a body much too old for her. And being bed-ridden?? I am ANTSY!!! I have too much energy and life inside of me to be stuck to a bed all day! Sooo... I write. You're welcome ;)

This whole situation has me thinking... I felt so guilty calling into work last night. I hated feeling like I was letting people down. I felt useless, disappointing, I felt... pathetic. Capital P Pathetic!! I have never called in to this job, and being in control of so much has caused me to feel a responsibility to my job and the staff within. These people depend on me... and I work hard. Fuckin'-a, I work hard!!! 

But here are some facts: 
I put on a brave face yesterday, staying put at the register all day, but doing my best to accommodate the need for painful walks to keep the ever-busy day running smoothly.

I was incredibly grateful for the help of my co-worker, Laura, who ran circles around me to ensure I moved as little as possible. She is the SOLE reason I made it through the day. (See what I did there??)

I only made it about 5 hours straight, standing and ringing, until I had to call my boss for a stool. For some relief... anything. 

I was aching and faking the whole day through...

I left work as soon as possible, and having returned home, still laughing and smiling, I walked into my room and exclaimed at the sight of my bed. 

And as I fell into its comfort... 
I landed in a pile of tears. 

I lost it. 

I had held on all day through pain I shouldn't have ignored. 
I had pushed the boundaries of my tireless body to the point of exhaustion and severe pain. 

I was drained. 
I was wasted and wearied. 
My white flag was raised, and as I sank into a sea of emotions, I became aware. 

Aware of the very important, very distressing fact that I was ignoring my own needs. Why do I feel so guilty about taking care of myself? Why do I find it so hard to be selfish? I constantly preach about the need to be selfish in certain situations, and your physical (and mental AND emotional) health is definitely one of them! And for the first time in a long time, I recognized a personal need and took the necessary steps. I called into work today and tomorrow, set up a doctor's appointment, and am staying OFF this, scratch that, THESE damn ankles!!! It's time to start taking care of myself again. In so many ways. 

I recently wrote of needing a change. I genuinely and whole-heartedly believe that my body is urging me to make one. Or two. Or.... lots. Hey! It's my life, right?! And only I get to live it. Only I live with the decisions I make. It's time to make the right ones. The ones for me. For my own benefit. For my life. 

For only I walk in these shoes... 
and it's time to go shopping! 

I Can Change

It's a crazy feeling, knowing you're going to leave...

Leave that relationship.
Leave that job.
Leave that life.

Whatever it may be... 
You see a situation and think, "Nope. I want to leave."
And you do...

Because you can.

We all have options, and we all have choices. What we do with that power is up to us. I have long known that my gut and my heart serve me well. Indeed, they have guided me through life, strengthening me, helping me grow, and lighting the way. I have not listened to them a handful of times... and THAT, my friends, was NOT a good idea!! No, no, no... yet those mistakes have led me here. And here I am; strong, confident, beautiful, passionate, compassionate, loyal and loving. Loving of life... of people. Of experience. But mostly, of living.

I moved here to really live. I came here with a dream in my heart and a skip in my step. I came here to discover a different life, a new path, littered with the knowledge I've acquired in these 29 years of life. I came here to learn... and learn I did. I still am. I always will be. What I've learned so far... is what I want, and what I really don't. Right now, at least. I don't know where life will take me, but I do know that I'm ready for a change. And oh yes, my darlings, a change is gonna' come...

And it will be my change.
And it will be my choice.

Because I can.

What an empowering feeling.

A Year To Remember

This has been a year of many things...

After working hard all last year, I moved to the city I fell in love with and made a new life for myself. I packed everything I own, moved in with a lover, acquired numerous friendships with fantastic people, found a job, quickly became successful, ended said relationship, found a new place to call my home, and settled into the beautiful apartment in which I now reside. 

One week in, and halfway through the year, I lost the only thing I've ever loved more than myself... 

 

That's him. 
Buster Boy. 

My sweet little slice of angel pie. 

But I'm not here to talk about him... not yet. I'm not ready for that. 

What I've realized is, I need to write. 
I think if I didn't write, I would go insane. Evidence of this being that I haven't written in quite some time, and, well... AHHHHHHH! ... you get the picture. I'm feeling a bit nutty! I'm overwhelmed and stressed, lost and broken, yet happy and living and making the best of every. single. moment. As only one in pain can... I'm trying. 

I used to write quite a bit! I'd stay up all night, pouring my heart out and writing for me, and ONLY me. If people didn't read it, great! If they did, even better! But it didn't particularly matter to me... though I loved the praise and attention, my main focus was to release some of the many, many emotions and feelings I deal with on a daily basis. I feel a lot, and often. While this has been quite beneficial to my songwriting and ability to be in a management position in customer service as a career (mouthful, insert dirty joke here, blah blah blah...), it has also been a burden that I sometimes simply cannot bear. Writing is my outlet, my therapy. I literally need it. 

Sooo... what's the problem, Shaneil? Just write! 

Ah. And here's where it gets tricky. 

After blogging for about a year, I began to rely on the attention. I try to tell myself I do things for myself, but I often get caught up in the need to please people. I started worrying about my writing... was I funny enough? Clever enough? Was my blog too long? Too boring? Too scatter-brained? Too this, too that... when really, what the hell does it matter?! I write for ME. I write to breathe. I write to sustain a healthy outlook on life and relieve the stresses of said life. Yes, I write to share. I write because I feel a responsibility to express my art. But what is art to an artist if it's for someone else? Art is personal. So it's scary... but it fails to be genuine if done for anyone but yourself.

So, here I am. Back at it again. A bit rusty, but ready. This year has taken me to the highest highs and the lowest lows... and it's not even over yet. I've experienced a lot so far, and am ever growing and ever responsive to the lessons life hands me. One such lesson that I've learned, and finally accepted, is that I DO WHAT I WANT. Seriously! I do what I want. It's my damn life, these are my choices, and the consequences of my actions are, you guessed it, MINE! So if I want to uproot my life for the 2nd time in less than 2 years, I will. If I want to hold on to hope for things I've wanted for years, I will. If I want to crash and burn through heartache, I will. And when I'm ready to pick the pieces back up, I will. And I will survive. Whatever I want to do, I'll do. 

BECAUSE I CAN.