On The Road Again...

I had my last good cry in the chair by my window tonight. 

My last heavy sob staring out that window, 
sitting in that chair, 
in this room...
the last place I saw my sweet little Buster Boy. 

I wept for him. And I wept HARD. 

However, I didn't just weep for Buster. I cried for the weight of the world I have felt over the last several months. Buster's death was the catalyst, and since his passing I have felt more and more depressed. I've kept the usual fun-loving attitude I strive to possess, but a light has dimmed inside of me. 

I cried for that dimmed light. 

I've made wonderful changes in my life these last few months, and that faded light has begun to flicker. I've felt happiness I haven't felt in a long time... but at some heavy costs. I haven't been taking care of myself. I know this. I've known that I need to get back on track with healthy habits, and though I've made positive changes, I have a ways to go. 

I cried for ignoring my needs. 

The important thing: I'm trying. After a heavy breakdown last Friday, I reached a turning point in this ever present funk. I released a healthy dose of some severe stress that I have been holding on to for too long. I needed to break, and break I did. Through blurry eyes, I saw the weight fade away into the most beautiful, blue sky I had seen in months. I took a deep breath. I felt strong. I felt able. I felt ready. 

I cried for that moment of clarity.

I cried my last heavy sob into the night air, curled up in my chair, surrounded by my memories. Today, I folded that chair up, moved it aside, and surrounded it with boxes. As the day progressed, the boxes multiplied. Ah, yes- that old familiar scene. Organized chaos, I call it. I have a general plan as to how I pack, but I also hate packing. So the laziness kicks in here and there. As I sit here now, scanning over the various piles of scattered thoughts, I feel at peace. The time has come to move on. The time has come to let go. And the time has most definitely come to get my shit together! There's something really exciting about moving. Like a clean slate has presented itself, I feel the urge to draw a new plan. Dreams, I have! This is my greatest flaw; live to dream, but fail to do. Now plans to change this, and the steps to take, are making themselves known and I am more than ready to follow through. Come Monday, a whole new chapter begins for me. 

I promise to keep in touch ;)