Today has already been an awful, awful day...
So what better time to write? It has, after all, been MONTHS. *sigh*
I woke up this morning to discover a familiar feeling: heartbreak. And as the stress and the pain of the last several months consumed me, I had a literal breakdown. I lost it. I lost my hope, my drive, my desire to do anything... I was engulfed in sadness and depression and cried my little eyes out. I ran through a laundry list of emotions as I melted into the floor, and finally, with a deep breath, picked myself back up again. I was not to be destroyed. This is not the end of my world. It's just another lesson... one I have yet to learn from.
I knew this moment was coming. I just knew. I was talking about it to a coworker the other day, and she kept reminding me to know my worth. As I drowned in my heartache this morning, I heard her words and realized I did not know my worth. In fact, I felt worthless. I felt like no one was ever going to see my worth and find me worth fighting for. I felt like giving up. In fact, I had. In that moment, I had given up. Suddenly I realized... no one was going to know my worth if I don't. How can I expect someone to see something in me that I can't even see myself? That's when it all came to an abrupt stop. I took a shower, dried my eyes, and carried on. It's what I always try to do, but more than ever now, it's what I have to do.
Life is full of ups and downs, and I have always struggled to deal with the downs. I fall hard, in every sense, but I get back up. When I feel a loss or pain of any sort, it always feels like the end of the world... yet it never is. Today is a day of a thousand emotions, but one fact remains: I deserve better. I deserve better from other people, but especially from myself. I deserve to fight for myself, rather than rely on others to do so. So I'm fighting. I'm changing and growing and continuing to love because that's what I really believe in: love. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let these blips of heartbreak in my life take that away from me.
So.
Life may have thought I deserved a broken heart one more time before the end of the year, but I have news for life: I'm not so easily broken. So BRING IT ON 2016!!!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Friday, March 27, 2015
On The Road Again...
I had my last good cry in the chair by my window tonight.
My last heavy sob staring out that window,
sitting in that chair,
in this room...
the last place I saw my sweet little Buster Boy.
I wept for him. And I wept HARD.
However, I didn't just weep for Buster. I cried for the weight of the world I have felt over the last several months. Buster's death was the catalyst, and since his passing I have felt more and more depressed. I've kept the usual fun-loving attitude I strive to possess, but a light has dimmed inside of me.
I cried for that dimmed light.
I've made wonderful changes in my life these last few months, and that faded light has begun to flicker. I've felt happiness I haven't felt in a long time... but at some heavy costs. I haven't been taking care of myself. I know this. I've known that I need to get back on track with healthy habits, and though I've made positive changes, I have a ways to go.
I cried for ignoring my needs.
The important thing: I'm trying. After a heavy breakdown last Friday, I reached a turning point in this ever present funk. I released a healthy dose of some severe stress that I have been holding on to for too long. I needed to break, and break I did. Through blurry eyes, I saw the weight fade away into the most beautiful, blue sky I had seen in months. I took a deep breath. I felt strong. I felt able. I felt ready.
I cried for that moment of clarity.
I cried my last heavy sob into the night air, curled up in my chair, surrounded by my memories. Today, I folded that chair up, moved it aside, and surrounded it with boxes. As the day progressed, the boxes multiplied. Ah, yes- that old familiar scene. Organized chaos, I call it. I have a general plan as to how I pack, but I also hate packing. So the laziness kicks in here and there. As I sit here now, scanning over the various piles of scattered thoughts, I feel at peace. The time has come to move on. The time has come to let go. And the time has most definitely come to get my shit together! There's something really exciting about moving. Like a clean slate has presented itself, I feel the urge to draw a new plan. Dreams, I have! This is my greatest flaw; live to dream, but fail to do. Now plans to change this, and the steps to take, are making themselves known and I am more than ready to follow through. Come Monday, a whole new chapter begins for me.
I promise to keep in touch ;)
My last heavy sob staring out that window,
sitting in that chair,
in this room...
the last place I saw my sweet little Buster Boy.
I wept for him. And I wept HARD.
However, I didn't just weep for Buster. I cried for the weight of the world I have felt over the last several months. Buster's death was the catalyst, and since his passing I have felt more and more depressed. I've kept the usual fun-loving attitude I strive to possess, but a light has dimmed inside of me.
I cried for that dimmed light.
I've made wonderful changes in my life these last few months, and that faded light has begun to flicker. I've felt happiness I haven't felt in a long time... but at some heavy costs. I haven't been taking care of myself. I know this. I've known that I need to get back on track with healthy habits, and though I've made positive changes, I have a ways to go.
I cried for ignoring my needs.
The important thing: I'm trying. After a heavy breakdown last Friday, I reached a turning point in this ever present funk. I released a healthy dose of some severe stress that I have been holding on to for too long. I needed to break, and break I did. Through blurry eyes, I saw the weight fade away into the most beautiful, blue sky I had seen in months. I took a deep breath. I felt strong. I felt able. I felt ready.
I cried for that moment of clarity.
I cried my last heavy sob into the night air, curled up in my chair, surrounded by my memories. Today, I folded that chair up, moved it aside, and surrounded it with boxes. As the day progressed, the boxes multiplied. Ah, yes- that old familiar scene. Organized chaos, I call it. I have a general plan as to how I pack, but I also hate packing. So the laziness kicks in here and there. As I sit here now, scanning over the various piles of scattered thoughts, I feel at peace. The time has come to move on. The time has come to let go. And the time has most definitely come to get my shit together! There's something really exciting about moving. Like a clean slate has presented itself, I feel the urge to draw a new plan. Dreams, I have! This is my greatest flaw; live to dream, but fail to do. Now plans to change this, and the steps to take, are making themselves known and I am more than ready to follow through. Come Monday, a whole new chapter begins for me.
I promise to keep in touch ;)
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