No Day But Today

The rain has cleared, as has my head. 

What am I doing?!

I have been so caught up envisioning my life, that I haven't actually enacted anything. While I definitely needed a break from the time-consuming life I was leading, I feel I have gotten that, and it's time to finally make these dreams a reality. Sitting around in la-la land is a habit I unfortunately possess. Yes, I have needed time to grieve, to think, to feel, to just be, really... but I am almost 3 weeks into this separation from said busy life, and I'm feeling the pressure to get up and go again. I suppose, what I'm saying, is it's time to be an adult... again. 

Ugh. 

In an attempt to give myself a wee bit more credit, I haven't just done nothing. Not completely, anyways. I've made a plan. I've made a budget. I have figured out a way to schedule work around life, in order to better pursue my deepest passions. I've searched for jobs. I've researched ways to get involved in my community, and have already contacted a wonderful organization that feeds/clothes the homeless. I've played my guitar. I've written. I've experienced. I've spent time with family and friends. I've lived. Yet... I feel... lazy. I'm bored. And I've done little to remedy said feeling. 

SO! Today, I'm getting back to it. What 'it' is, is up to me. I like that... aaand I don't. It was easier to have to go into work. To have a schedule made for me (well, I made the schedule, being the manager, but you know what I mean!). I knew this, though, going into this new life. I knew the path I was on was the easier one. I knew this would be difficult. I knew I would struggle... but struggle no more, will I! It is a beautiful, brand new day, full of possibilities!! And I aim to take full advantage of those wonderful, endless possibilities. 

Waking up this morning, I immediately put on RENT. One of my favorites =) I laughed, I cried, I sang... a LOT. I love this movie for so many reasons, but what really stuck with me was that one line: No Day But Today. Today is the only now we have. Yesterday and tomorrow mean nothing without today. The only moment we have is NOW! Right now. This second. This moment. So often, we take for granted that moment. The present. The now. I never realized how much I, too, was taking each moment for granted, until I realized how quickly the last few weeks have passed. Suddenly, I'm feeling anxious and aware. I have always known I was meant for more. Having taken that first leap of faith, I'm midair and falling fast. Each second is another opportunity missed. NO MORE. Not on my watch. I refuse to live a wasted life. I refuse to settle for less. I refuse to watch the world turn as I dizzily hang on. I'm moving with the tide now, surfing an endless wave of opportunity. 

Let's just hope I don't get seasick.

Made To Be Broken

I'm feeling... weird. 
Silly. 
Foolish. 

I have had many ups and downs this year, and sadly, the downs have been quite traumatic for me. I have tried to handle everything to the best of my abilities, but I don't always have the right answers, or make the right moves. I certainly don't always follow the "rules". 

Who the hell made these rules?!

Rules for ourselves; rules for relationships; rules for society; rules for beliefs; rules for life... the more I write the word 'rules', the less it looks like a real word! 

So let's say screw the rules! 

So often, I hear people talk about how we're "supposed" to act, or "supposed" to feel. "Oh, you're not supposed to do that! Aren't you embarrassed?? What will people think? People don't do that... That's weird. That's not normal." Blah, blah, blah...

Since when did anyone else dictate my life other than myself? 
And what the heck is normal anyways??

I can be a lot of things: emotional, passionate, analytical, thoughtful, impatient, easygoing, creative, self-destructive, stubborn, strong... but "normal" has never been a word with which I have associated. I'm just me; and honestly, if you don't like that, bugger off. I have more important things to worry about. 

Where is all of this coming from, Shaneil?!

I don't know. I guess I've been hearing about these "rules" a lot lately, and it has me overthinking everything. And that bothers me. I am embarking on a whole new journey in life, and all I really want is to be happy. Today, for one insignificant reason or another, I'm not happy. I feel confused. I feel alone. Lonely... like no one really gets me. I suppose we all feel this way throughout our lives. I know I'll snap out of it, and I know I'll be fine. MORE than fine. I'm a fighter; a survivor. These insecure feelings will once again be vanquished. I will find my inner strength and keep fighting the good battle. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this.

Rules are made to be broken. 
I, however, am NOT.