Smoke and Mirrors

I just smoked my very last cigarette. 

This has been a long, long time coming... and the decision to quit came about Monday evening. I was chatting with a friend that night about my need to quit. I felt that the day was coming when I would wake up and just say "Fuck it" and quit cold turkey. Well, Tuesday morning, I awoke with that desire and made the decision to stop. I got myself ready for work, snapped a selfie in a moment of feeling strong, left my last remaining cigarettes at home, and headed out the door. 

The day went great. 

I had more energy, felt good about myself, was pleasant to be around, and felt positive about this new change. 

Then I got home, and smoked a cigarette. 

Then another... 

Then just one more. 

Okay, so day 1- only 3 cigarettes. Not bad, considering I had been smoking nearly, if not entirely, a pack a day. However, that was not what I had set out to do. That last pack had 13 cigarettes in it, now just 10... so I thought, "I'll just slowly smoke the rest of that pack, then never buy another pack again." 

I was already setting myself up for failure. 

Day 2- 3 cigarettes again. 7 left. 

Day 3- 2 cigarettes. 5 remaining.

I awoke this morning, Day 4, feeling different... Why was I still allowing this... this thing to continue to hold power over me?? Why couldn't I just LET GO?! 

I laid the last five cigarettes out on the kitchen table and began pacing... 

Back and forth, back and forth... 

I became angry. Angry at this powerful little substance. Angry at the years I had wasted on this "relationship". Angry at myself... how could I spend so many years hurting myself this way? Ruining my one good body, and for what?! The "satisfaction" of the smoke? 

NO. 

I was done. I became emotional. I started walking over to the table, and one by one, tore apart each cigarette and threw it away. The tears streamed down my face, each drop a world of anger and guilt falling to the floor. 

1... 2... 3... 4... 

Now just one remained. 

I stared at it for a long time. I wanted it... that sweet, sexy temptress... that one last smoke. I guess I wanted to say goodbye in a way. Like ending a relationship you knew was damaged from the start, but needing that one last kiss. Craving it... 

I wish I could say that I didn't smoke that last cigarette. But we all know that's not true.

So I sat in that familiar place, caressing those smooth contours with my fingertips for the last time... I didn't even really think about it, I just lit it. And there I was, "enjoying" that last sweet smoke. However, there was nothing about it to enjoy. The love was lost. The hold was gone. And with that last drag, I let go. It was done. No more. 

I know it won't be easy. I would be fooling myself to think I won't get intense cravings or become irritable or anything else that comes with the withdrawals of fighting addiction. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel free. Free from the chains of smoke that have held me down for 13 years. Free from the prison of need. Control is mine again. My life is MINE again. I have lived as slave to this monster for too many years, but I have finally found my strength and walked away. I had claimed Tuesday to be Day 1, but really, this is Day 1. This is the day that matters. This is my goodbye... and my welcome to a better life. A better me. Because I deserve better. We all do. It is one of our downfalls to allow things to take control, maybe because sometimes it's easier than having control... but 

WE. DESERVE. BETTER. 

We deserve to live the best life we can because this is it, folks! This is the one and only shot we have to create our own reality and make the most of every moment. Every second that passes is an opportunity lost, UNLESS we take control of said moment. The years have been slipping by faster and faster, and I for one am not just going to sit idly by and watch them fade away. This moment is mine, but this moment has already passed. So I'm on to the next... this time, with a little more clarity, a lot more strength, and fresh, clean air in my lungs. 

Suddenly, I can breathe again... 

And the air has never smelled sweeter. 

Broken & Beaten, But Not Defeated

I thought I had hit rock bottom. I thought I had reached my lowest point and was on the inevitable uphill that comes with falling as low as you possibly can. I thought I had nowhere to go but up. 

I was wrong. 

I fell further. 

As I sit here now, home early from work after a talk with my lovingly concerned employers that led to a much needed "me" day, I'm forced to face the fact I have tried to mask for so long now... 

I am depressed. 

So much more than I wanted to accept. 

I am broken and tattered and falling faster, as I barely cling to the life I've worked so hard to achieve... and while depression has been a battle I have fought my entire life, and with great force, I have reached a point where it's time to take this seriously and seek help. And I am not ONE BIT ashamed to say that I need help. This isn't a game; this is real life. Needing help in any form is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by... sometimes we just need outside sources and perspectives to guide us through our daily lives and emotions. We are all in this together, and while we strive to be independent and self-sufficient, sometimes it's okay to admit that we simply cannot do this alone. Well, I am at that point... so it's time to quit screwing around and take some action. 

I could list all of the reasons why I feel so low, but it doesn't matter. We all have our burdens... our demons... our weaknesses. We all have those plaguing concerns that fill our heads with negativity and nonsense. I have allowed so much... TOO much... negativity into my life lately, and allowed myself to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing and sink deeper and deeper into a hole that only grows more difficult out of which to climb. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to give up, knowing how much stronger I am than these obstacles. I have forgotten everything about myself that makes myself so amazing. I have continually dismissed what makes me unique and special in this world, convincing myself that I just don't deserve more than this. But I do. Ohhh, I so do. 

So while today has been a rough day for me, in recognizing how far I have fallen from where I need to be, I'm taking advantage of the day and refocusing my sights on what really matters: ME. I will not be so easily broken by life's struggles and downfalls. I have too much to offer this world, and the only way to successfully spread such beauty is to strengthen myself and my worth. I am far better than I envision myself. I am more than my downfalls. I am more than my weaknesses. I am so much more than I have allowed myself to be. I may be currently broken and beaten, but I will NEVER be defeated. I deserve to be better, and the world deserves to experience my best. Happiness is a choice, and today, I choose better. I choose to see the light at the end of the tunnel and RUN. My ambition and drive are far too strong to allow myself to give up. The time is now. The focus is me. The goal is life. 

So let's live it. 

Making Moves

The last couple of weeks have been incredibly tough for me. If you read my last blog, you know how low I had gotten and how determined I am to pick myself up. With the new year upon us, I'm finally feeling refreshed and rejuvenated and I am ready to get back to brass tacks. I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, but I'm finally recognizing that strength within me and using it to its full advantage. 

Being my first day off in this brand new year, I have been setting goals and making plans all damn day. Most goals have been easy to set. For example, I weighed myself for the first time in years... THAT was a mistake!! I was not happy with the results, but it made it easier for me to set my fitness goals, and set them I have. So- one category in my list of goals- CHECK. Awesome. Now. Finances? Easy. I love me some math, so I figured out my monthly income and then my bills, jotted down the difference and made a savings goal. Done. Great. Next!! Creative goals. Well, I'm already accomplishing one of them with the writing of this post! So yay! I also want to get back to writing music regularly again. My poor little guitar has been gathering dust in the corner of my room, and I aim to dramatically change that. So, music and writing goals: SET! 

Then the anxiety kicked in... the big boys. The long-term goals regarding my schooling and my pending move to Spain. I have been doing a lot of thinking about this whole plan the last couple of months, and one thing remains clear: I am not ready to leave in September. At first, I was really disappointed with this realization and decision, but it's incredibly important to me that I base these decisions on what I feel in my gut, and what is right for me, not anyone else. I have only told a select few people about this sudden awareness that I'm simply not ready for that big of a step, mostly because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I made it a point to tell my family, then post the announcement on Facebook, and I wasn't exactly thrilled with the prospect of receiving judgment and lectures on "giving up" or "letting myself down". In the long run, though, I'm the only one who has to live with my decisions and frankly, Spain's not going anywhere!! I have made my peace with this and I am moving forward no matter what. So, the big question remains: What's next? 

Well, to be honest, I have NO FUCKING CLUE. And that freaks me the hell out. I know I want to leave San Francisco this year. What's more, I know I want to potentially leave the country. Actually, I do want to leave the country, I'm just not sure where I want to go anymore. I want to continue my schooling and pursue teaching ESL students, I'm just not sure how I want to enact that plan. So, it's time to do some heavy thinking. One thing is for sure: As scary as it is to be in this frame of mind right now, having endless possibilities in front of me is not just daunting, it's exciting. It's a bittersweet feeling, because I'm terrified but also feeling powerful as any decision I make is totally in my control. I am the only one with the power to shape my future, and with my skillset and personality I just KNOW I will build an amazing one. So I'm staying positive, as always, and working harder than ever to take full advantage of this once in a lifetime life... we only get one, and I aim to make it the best one imaginable. 

So, Happy New Year everyone!!! May your dreams be your reality. <3 

Unbreakable

Today has already been an awful, awful day... 

So what better time to write? It has, after all, been MONTHS. *sigh*

I woke up this morning to discover a familiar feeling: heartbreak. And as the stress and the pain of the last several months consumed me, I had a literal breakdown. I lost it. I lost my hope, my drive, my desire to do anything... I was engulfed in sadness and depression and cried my little eyes out. I ran through a laundry list of emotions as I melted into the floor, and finally, with a deep breath, picked myself back up again. I was not to be destroyed. This is not the end of my world. It's just another lesson... one I have yet to learn from. 

I knew this moment was coming. I just knew. I was talking about it to a coworker the other day, and she kept reminding me to know my worth. As I drowned in my heartache this morning, I heard her words and realized I did not know my worth. In fact, I felt worthless. I felt like no one was ever going to see my worth and find me worth fighting for. I felt like giving up. In fact, I had. In that moment, I had given up. Suddenly I realized... no one was going to know my worth if I don't. How can I expect someone to see something in me that I can't even see myself? That's when it all came to an abrupt stop. I took a shower, dried my eyes, and carried on. It's what I always try to do, but more than ever now, it's what I have to do. 

Life is full of ups and downs, and I have always struggled to deal with the downs. I fall hard, in every sense, but I get back up. When I feel a loss or pain of any sort, it always feels like the end of the world... yet it never is. Today is a day of a thousand emotions, but one fact remains: I deserve better. I deserve better from other people, but especially from myself. I deserve to fight for myself, rather than rely on others to do so. So I'm fighting. I'm changing and growing and continuing to love because that's what I really believe in: love. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let these blips of heartbreak in my life take that away from me. 

So. 

Life may have thought I deserved a broken heart one more time before the end of the year, but I have news for life: I'm not so easily broken. So BRING IT ON 2016!!! 

On The Road Again...

I had my last good cry in the chair by my window tonight. 

My last heavy sob staring out that window, 
sitting in that chair, 
in this room...
the last place I saw my sweet little Buster Boy. 

I wept for him. And I wept HARD. 

However, I didn't just weep for Buster. I cried for the weight of the world I have felt over the last several months. Buster's death was the catalyst, and since his passing I have felt more and more depressed. I've kept the usual fun-loving attitude I strive to possess, but a light has dimmed inside of me. 

I cried for that dimmed light. 

I've made wonderful changes in my life these last few months, and that faded light has begun to flicker. I've felt happiness I haven't felt in a long time... but at some heavy costs. I haven't been taking care of myself. I know this. I've known that I need to get back on track with healthy habits, and though I've made positive changes, I have a ways to go. 

I cried for ignoring my needs. 

The important thing: I'm trying. After a heavy breakdown last Friday, I reached a turning point in this ever present funk. I released a healthy dose of some severe stress that I have been holding on to for too long. I needed to break, and break I did. Through blurry eyes, I saw the weight fade away into the most beautiful, blue sky I had seen in months. I took a deep breath. I felt strong. I felt able. I felt ready. 

I cried for that moment of clarity.

I cried my last heavy sob into the night air, curled up in my chair, surrounded by my memories. Today, I folded that chair up, moved it aside, and surrounded it with boxes. As the day progressed, the boxes multiplied. Ah, yes- that old familiar scene. Organized chaos, I call it. I have a general plan as to how I pack, but I also hate packing. So the laziness kicks in here and there. As I sit here now, scanning over the various piles of scattered thoughts, I feel at peace. The time has come to move on. The time has come to let go. And the time has most definitely come to get my shit together! There's something really exciting about moving. Like a clean slate has presented itself, I feel the urge to draw a new plan. Dreams, I have! This is my greatest flaw; live to dream, but fail to do. Now plans to change this, and the steps to take, are making themselves known and I am more than ready to follow through. Come Monday, a whole new chapter begins for me. 

I promise to keep in touch ;)

No Day But Today

The rain has cleared, as has my head. 

What am I doing?!

I have been so caught up envisioning my life, that I haven't actually enacted anything. While I definitely needed a break from the time-consuming life I was leading, I feel I have gotten that, and it's time to finally make these dreams a reality. Sitting around in la-la land is a habit I unfortunately possess. Yes, I have needed time to grieve, to think, to feel, to just be, really... but I am almost 3 weeks into this separation from said busy life, and I'm feeling the pressure to get up and go again. I suppose, what I'm saying, is it's time to be an adult... again. 

Ugh. 

In an attempt to give myself a wee bit more credit, I haven't just done nothing. Not completely, anyways. I've made a plan. I've made a budget. I have figured out a way to schedule work around life, in order to better pursue my deepest passions. I've searched for jobs. I've researched ways to get involved in my community, and have already contacted a wonderful organization that feeds/clothes the homeless. I've played my guitar. I've written. I've experienced. I've spent time with family and friends. I've lived. Yet... I feel... lazy. I'm bored. And I've done little to remedy said feeling. 

SO! Today, I'm getting back to it. What 'it' is, is up to me. I like that... aaand I don't. It was easier to have to go into work. To have a schedule made for me (well, I made the schedule, being the manager, but you know what I mean!). I knew this, though, going into this new life. I knew the path I was on was the easier one. I knew this would be difficult. I knew I would struggle... but struggle no more, will I! It is a beautiful, brand new day, full of possibilities!! And I aim to take full advantage of those wonderful, endless possibilities. 

Waking up this morning, I immediately put on RENT. One of my favorites =) I laughed, I cried, I sang... a LOT. I love this movie for so many reasons, but what really stuck with me was that one line: No Day But Today. Today is the only now we have. Yesterday and tomorrow mean nothing without today. The only moment we have is NOW! Right now. This second. This moment. So often, we take for granted that moment. The present. The now. I never realized how much I, too, was taking each moment for granted, until I realized how quickly the last few weeks have passed. Suddenly, I'm feeling anxious and aware. I have always known I was meant for more. Having taken that first leap of faith, I'm midair and falling fast. Each second is another opportunity missed. NO MORE. Not on my watch. I refuse to live a wasted life. I refuse to settle for less. I refuse to watch the world turn as I dizzily hang on. I'm moving with the tide now, surfing an endless wave of opportunity. 

Let's just hope I don't get seasick.

Made To Be Broken

I'm feeling... weird. 
Silly. 
Foolish. 

I have had many ups and downs this year, and sadly, the downs have been quite traumatic for me. I have tried to handle everything to the best of my abilities, but I don't always have the right answers, or make the right moves. I certainly don't always follow the "rules". 

Who the hell made these rules?!

Rules for ourselves; rules for relationships; rules for society; rules for beliefs; rules for life... the more I write the word 'rules', the less it looks like a real word! 

So let's say screw the rules! 

So often, I hear people talk about how we're "supposed" to act, or "supposed" to feel. "Oh, you're not supposed to do that! Aren't you embarrassed?? What will people think? People don't do that... That's weird. That's not normal." Blah, blah, blah...

Since when did anyone else dictate my life other than myself? 
And what the heck is normal anyways??

I can be a lot of things: emotional, passionate, analytical, thoughtful, impatient, easygoing, creative, self-destructive, stubborn, strong... but "normal" has never been a word with which I have associated. I'm just me; and honestly, if you don't like that, bugger off. I have more important things to worry about. 

Where is all of this coming from, Shaneil?!

I don't know. I guess I've been hearing about these "rules" a lot lately, and it has me overthinking everything. And that bothers me. I am embarking on a whole new journey in life, and all I really want is to be happy. Today, for one insignificant reason or another, I'm not happy. I feel confused. I feel alone. Lonely... like no one really gets me. I suppose we all feel this way throughout our lives. I know I'll snap out of it, and I know I'll be fine. MORE than fine. I'm a fighter; a survivor. These insecure feelings will once again be vanquished. I will find my inner strength and keep fighting the good battle. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this.

Rules are made to be broken. 
I, however, am NOT.